My plan was to write about stress, but I decided to write about another “S” word, SHOULD. Have you ever thought about the weight this word carries? I had a lovely conversation at the restaurant this weekend with a woman who commented on the piece I wrote, titled “Childless Mother.” We both made a conscious decision to remain biped childless. I shared with her that I felt fortunate that I had two parents that never put any pressure on me about having children. She had the opposite experience. She shared that she was constantly badgered and criticized for not fulfilling the implied cultural norms. She was, on several occasions, accosted with the “you SHOULD have children!” Basically being shamed for going against the grain of what society thinks women “should” do. We both shared an intense dislike for the word particularly as it relates to unsolicited advice.
I receive myriad offers of unsolicited advice at the restaurant. They come in all shapes and sizes. On good days I have the epiphany that people care about what we are doing and they only want to see us succeed. On the days that I am worn thin and a bit frayed around the edges the “shoulds” all sound like nails on a chalkboard. Perhaps it is because I have realized that I have had a tendency to offer that free advice. I no longer wish to be that person. I have made a conscious decision to ask the question when someone is sharing with me, “would you just like me to listen or are you asking for my input?”
I recently had to set a boundary with someone who would, every time he visited the restaurant, tell me what he thought I should do about various restaurant related details. I said to him, “out of the spirit of preserving the integrity of our relationship, I would appreciate it if you would ask me if I am interested in hearing about what YOU think I SHOULD do.” He was slightly taken aback, but I succeeded in getting my point across. The next time he was in the restaurant he said, “ I have a suggestion!” My response, “does it have to do with the restaurant?” His response, “YES!” My response, “NO THANK YOU and I appreciate you asking if I am interested in your suggestion!”
SHOULD is a weighty word. We rarely consider the amount of baggage it carries. When people we care about tell us what we SHOULD do it is wrapped up in that other awful word “expectations”. It can cause us to feel shame, guilt, regret for not following through with those “shoulds.” I learned many years ago that “expectations are premeditated resentments. I get snagged every time on those GD expectations!
As I have become emotionally more mature it is important to me to actually care about the words that leave my mouth. I also care about how kindly those words land. I have learned that, before the “shoulds” leave my mouth it is important for me to think about three things: does it need to be said, does it need to be said by me and does this information need to be shared now? Ninety nice percent of the time the answer to all of those questions is a resounding “NO!”
SHOULD I have shared this with you? Well, I think you will be the judge. My hope is that you know it is emanating from the spirit of wanting to be a better person in the world!
In a previous post I indicated that the best way to contact me is: Amy@outofthefire.com . In the event that you have responded or commented on a post and have not heard from me please e:mail me directly. I ALWAYS want to connect with you if something I have said resonates. Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts! XO Amy
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