Respect

My book club has a holiday book exchange every year. It is a fun evening that we all look forward to every year. We have a nice meal, good laughs and great conversation. The topic of dog training came up. A few of us have new, young, energetic dogs. The prevailing attitude was that a dog doesn’t respect you if it doesn’t listen to you. I piped up with an aggressive disagreement on this topic. One of my friends said, “This really triggered you!” My response was, “I don’t like using that word when it pertains to animal training since it’s less about respect and more about clear communication and boundaries. I also don’t think it is part of a dog’s umwelt or the way they navigate their environment."

It was obvious to me,  after analyzing my reaction that it had nothing to do with dog training.  I was triggered more about the pervasive misuse of the word respect  as a tool to control, shame and belittle. The word respect is often used to change a power dynamic. You are weak and I am not. That is how I interpret it. Those that are respected by their peers should earn that out of quiet diligence, integrity and consistency in their fair and honest treatment of every interaction and relationships. These people are generous, kind, honest and empathetic. They don’t demand respect it is earned regardless of their gender. Respect is a tenet in patriarchal systems, actually it is considered a major pillar of patriarchy. It taught men to automatically be granted respect while women must earn it. It demanded deference and unquestioning obedience. It is, unfortunately, for anyone other than men so deeply embedded in our social construct. It is subtly invasive to the point that even independent powerful women fall prey to its cloud. I see it in social settings where the man is assumed the sole party with an interesting and successful career. I have caught myself falling prey to it as well. When I caught myself I apologized to the woman. She said, “Amy, you don’t owe me an apology!” I said, “I certainly do and so does the history of patriarchy!” I was appalled to realize that I was also a product of this conditioning. That conversation happened years ago, way before the “Me too” movement. I would like to make it clear that I don’t have a chip on my shoulder about being a woman. I am just interested in a more elevated and equitable society where everyone is treated as an equally valuable member of society. People use the word respect without really understanding the weight of the word and its historical significance in perpetuating a patriarchal tradition. They don’t understand the weight the word carries because it doesn’t pertain to how they perceive their environment. To me it feels like a word used as a weapon to shame in an effort to change a power dynamic. It is often used in corporate culture and the military. I have been on the receiving end of this ideology while working in the corporate world. I witnessed time and time again the deference to men in a position of power where the respect was not warranted. To be more specific, I witnessed men behaving one way in a “professional situation” and transform into quite a different person in the presence of their wives and family. They did not deserve nor did they earn my respect.

It is my opinion that those who demand respect don’t really understand how to cultivate it, retain it or teach it. Respect, unfortunately is mainly associated with punitive engagement eliciting fear. I believe it takes years and consistent behavior that encompasses integrity, honesty and compassion. Or, perhaps that is just how someone gains respect from me.

We must continue to challenge each other, but not in an aggressive manner like what emerged from me at my book club.  The word RESPECT  doesn’t appropriately convey the dynamic between two individuals as operating on equal footing. It carries the weight of thousands of years of imbalance.

I am not sure we have progressed on this issue as far as we think. It is embedded on an epigenetic level.  Unless you recognize it in yourself and go to great lengths to change, it will forever remain dormant ready to awaken and seize the opportunity to rear its ugly head. Let’s start the new year examining our deeply seeded ideologies, whatever they may be. If they don’t resonate anymore lock them in a box and throw away the key.